These past few weeks have been very challenging to say the least. My 20 month old son who is still nursing had been nursing to go to sleep at night and as a result was and still is still waking multiple times a night. My husband and I agreed to continue to co-sleep as it made sleeping easier on everyone but then over the course of the past 4-6 months our little guy had been waking at around 9am to both nurse and also to come to bed with us. This early waking made it impossible for my husband and I to have time to reconnect at night or to plane any date nights. Not to mention that none of us where getting the sleep we so needed. So we decided that it was time for our son to begin the process of learning how to fall asleep because that is skill he has yet to learn. And so we decided it was time to night wean in efforts to teach him other ways to fall asleep. We agreed on a gentle method of teaching Colin to sleep even though to be honest it doesn’t feel gentle because even though Brett or I will hold and rock him he still cries in our arms because what he wants to do is nurse. Things are starting to slowly get better but in sort of like a 2 steps forward 1 step back kind of way. Last night for example I got 3.5 hours of sleep. So in the meantime we are all very tired and worn. Currently Colin wakes a few times before 3am during which times either Brett or I will go into his room and soothe him back to sleep. Then if he wakes past 3am we bring him to bed with us but now I hold off on nursing until the sun comes up. Since no nursing at night is new for Colin there have been days where he has refused to go back to sleep and has been up for the day at around 3am. So as we teach our little Colin new ways to fall asleep he is experiencing a lack of sleep in the process which breaks my heart in two.
Brett was out of town last night and so today I was feeling very tired and defeated from quite a difficult night. So during Colin’s nap today I decided to get some release and clarity I needed to journal. I sometimes forget how comforting putting pin to paper can be. That when you clear your mind and let your heart take hold of the pen the most perfect and beautifully clear messages can come through. The below is word for word what I journaled to myself today.
Journal Entry 12.11.2013
This issue with Colin’s sleep is very wearing and difficult.
In addition to his current sleep issues he has also become a very picky eater when he use to eat so well. Also during his tantrums he has started to hit himself rather hard out of anger and frustration. I am trying my best to handle everything with grace and compassion for all involved but I too am tired and wore down. I feel that during this time there have been few to no times when I have nurtured myself and I know finding time to do that is vital. Still I need to start to be creative with how I find ways to nurture myself. I feel that during this time I have abandoned my use of a positive self dialogue so one way I can begin to get back to nurturing myself is through adopting a positive internal dialogue and to have positive thoughts about myself, others and have trust in the situation. Other ways I can nurture myself is instead of watching TV in the evening, I could take a lavender bath, do yoga for 5-10 minutes, meditate for 5-10 minutes and journal.
I also need to be in the moment more. By being in the moment, really in it I can then be fully present and see things with clarity. Both the lessons that are before me as well as the blessings. Lessons are blessings. I need to remember that and be thankful for that. Be graceful and grateful, pause, breathe and allow divine love, beauty and stillness to come in and take up all the space where I might be feelings tired or anxious. There is love and light for me and my life. Abundance is available and waiting to flow in if I can just stop fighting and start allowing. Everything we go through in life is a blessed gift. This experience will teach Brett and I so so much about parenting, life and ourselves and will help carry us forward. This will also be a wonderful and abundantly helpful experience to share with others.
Blessings surround and are within and are constant and are always.
Breathe in the sweet air.
Bring it down deep.
Let it cleanse away all worry and doubt.
Marinate in the peace of knowing all is perfectly whole and well.