Now is Eternal

March 27, 2017/in: Family, Uncategorized/0 /4 Comments

Lately, I’ve been feeling emotional about my boys growing up. Time itself seems to be speeding by at a pace that feels uncomfortable to me. This amplified feeling of time speeding up has been brought about by me preparing for the fact that my oldest son will be entering into kindergarten this coming fall. I feel amazingly blessed by the fact that I have two healthy children that are growing and thriving. Yet the speed at which they are growing and changing is a bit hard for me to wrap my mind and heart around some days. Currently my boys are ages 2 and almost 5. Even at their still tender ages, I’ve been able to see them both go through so many changes and stages in just the short years they’ve been here. Life is so remarkable in this way. And while I find each stage to be precious and sacred, I find myself cautiously anticipating the next stage because I know that means that the people I currently know will inevitably be different in some ways or in lots of ways.

At times I’ll admit that I’ve had phases when I’ve found myself wishing we were in the next stage already, (as if the next stage will somehow provide more ease). Lately though I’ve been in a state of almost pre-mourning the loss of the current stage and the people they currently are while I’m still in it. Does that sound familiar to any parents out there? I’ve come to realize that neither of those ways of thinking are grounded in the present and both cause a sort of heart suffering feeling. I’ve discovered that when I can break away from the mind chatter and anticipation of what has not yet come to be, I then have the opportunity to be in the present in all its tangible glory. That’s when I’m here! When I allow myself to be in the now, that’s when none of the anticipation of loss or transition to one phase to the next matters because I have now and now is wonderful and they are wonderful NOW!

When I am in the now, I can truly marvel at every aspect of my children and the time we’re sharing. And when now becomes then (in the future), I won’t feel like I need to mourn the loss of the time I had with my 2 year old and 5 year old because I fully had them. I was fully and truly there. I was present then and I am present now too. Being in the now affords the ability to actually absorb every aspect of the moment and all the gifts and vibrancy that’s in the moment. When we allow ourselves to be fully in the moment with grateful open hearts, we need not mourn any loss of any moment in our lives. Because one of the gifts that being fully present offers is a full and complete ownership of our experience here. When we fully are in the moment, the moment becomes eternal. When we tap into the fact that now is eternal then nothing is ever past or present it just IS. Is always is. How’s that for a mind conundrum?

The trouble and suffering happens when we take ourselves out of the moment with either thought distractions or some other distractions. When we do that then the moment is lost on us and can’t be gotten back. The best thing we can do to lesson our suffering and enhance our life experience is to surrender to the moment by resisting distractions. Thoughts are distractions and so are other needless activities like scrolling through our phone or needlessly busying ourselves for the sake of mental escape. These needless distractions take us away from the blessings of what has been placed right in front of us. The power lays in the acknowledgment that where we are placed in any given moment is perfectly where we need to be. When we choose to commit over and over again to really be in the present, then our life becomes more rich and vibrant than we could possibly imagine. Committing to the present allows each moment to in essence last forever in our heart space because we’ve created an energetic ownership by fully being there for it. We own what we’ve really experienced. So dive into each moment in all it’s messy beautiful glory. And benefit from a life full of heart blessings that you own forever and that truly never go away. That’s what I plan to do. I plan to choose the now over and over again. Because life is too precious and blessed to not allow ourselves to fully receive every delicious drop of it.

Many blessings to you & yours,

A Birth Story // Asher Hart

September 14, 2016/in: Family/0 /2 Comments

On March 11, 2015 I was 34 weeks and 5 days pregnant when the contractions started. At first assessment I thought I was having Braxton Hicks (practice) contractions. I thought that my body was prepping and practicing for labor. As the hours went on and the contractions started to follow a pattern and slightly intensify, I realized this could actually be it. Suddenly fear based thoughts began to roll in: “He’s not even 35 weeks yet. It’s too early! We aren’t fully prepared. The nursery is a mess. I thought we had more time! He needs more time to grow in my safe warm womb! I need more time to share my body with his. I thought I had 5 more weeks to keep him wrapped up within me and safe from this world. I We need those five extra weeks to be as one.”

Suddenly I heard a voice say, “today is the 11th”. Then I remembered that early on in my pregnancy I saw an image of the 11th in my minds eye. I assumed it was my intuition telling me that my baby would be born on the 11th. Since his due date was April 17th I automatically assumed that he would be born on April 11th. So in all actuality I was given a heads up early on in pregnancy that he would be born on the this day. This was the plan all along. I knew then that today was most likely the day.

I labored a while in the quite of home. I took a bath to try and soothe what I still thought could be practice contractions. We called my mother in law to come watch our almost 3 year old. We ate breakfast together while I took short breaks to walk to the living room and get on my hands and knees to breath and ride the contractions. The contractions continued to get closer. So we decided to leave and head to the hospital. As we drove to the hospital it all started to feel more real in my body. Once at the hospital, we were given a temporary room and the doctor checked me. I was 5 centimeters dilated. She confirmed that I was in fact in labor. She also informed me that my baby upon being born would need to go to the NICU for an unknown length of stay. She informed me that any baby born under 35 weeks is required to go to the NICU. All I could really hear from what she was saying was that my baby and I would need to be separated. I was stricken with sadness. This wasn’t in my plan…

I was assigned a labor room. Like my first birth with my first son, I planned on delivering him naturally as I wanted that raw connection with this sacred experience. I labored in the room for about 45 minutes before my main doctor came. She walked in the room and I began to weep. I laid out my fears upon her willing ears. “Was my baby going to be ok?” “How long would he need to spend in the NICU?” “Why am I going into labor early?” “How long will I have with him before they take him?” She was gentle and loving. She assured me with her words and her essence that everything would be alright. With the energy of her gentle permission my body let go the hold it had over this unplanned scenario. I surrendered to the unknown. To the unplanned. And just as I emotionally surrendered so too did my body. My water broke right then and I had a swarm of labor hormones rush in that were so intense that I got physically sick. My contractions started to swirl and intensify. I allowed my body to soften into the space of the unknown. I rode the current of the contractions and allowed my body to take the lead. I then allowed my son to emerge and make his unexpected yet perfectly beautiful debut. He was beautiful! I was able to hold him in my arms for a very short time. Maybe just 2 minutes. Then they carried him off to the NICU for tests and monitoring. My husband went with our new angel. Suddenly, I was alone in the labor room. My body was shaking and shivering. I was in a state of shock that all of that had just happened and so quickly and unexpectedly. I felt, joy, pride and gratitude. But I missed him already. Oh how I missed him!

After about two hours I was allowed to leave the postnatal room and visit my sweet little blessing. He was perfect in my eyes but because of his gestational age the doctors felt they needed to keep him for further monitoring. The next day I was discharged, but he had to stay. That day leaving the hospital without him felt like I was leaving my heart behind. I carried him within me for almost 8 months and now, just like that, I was without him and I was away from him all at once. It felt unnatural and gut wrenching. For 10 days I drove 30 minutes each way to visit him in the NICU. I held him, nursed him, watched him sleep and I prayed. I prayed for him to stay healthy and for us to be reunited soon. I prayed and asked that angels stay by his side during the times I had to be home with my toddler. I did feel that he was being divinely watched over at all times. The feeling that he was being protecting and loved by the nurses and angels provided me comfort.

One evening as I sat behind a curtain in the quiet NICU room nursing my sweet babe an alarm went off and nurses went running. A baby boy had just been born. From the shouts and rushes I gathered that he was going to be rushed to the NICU. I also gathered that his state of health seemed like it was an emergency. Within minutes they had brought him to an operating room right outside of our curtained off room. I could hear one of the nurses talking to the new father whom was right outside. She was explaining to him what was happening. I felt that the matter was serious. I also felt that by my very presence to witness this that I had a responsibility to do whatever I could to work to aid in the positive outcome for this little boy. And so I started to pray. I prayed for his healing and for his strength. I prayed that his father and mother be comforted during this very tough time. I imagined that the entire area around all of us was surrounded in a healing bubble of love and healing light. I asked that angels come to aid the doctors and nurses in their work.

Because of the privacy protection of the NICU I was never told what became of that sweet new baby. But I do know that there was love and healing all around us all that night. It made me feel deeply grateful for my baby and the healing that is done on a behind the scenes realm. Great healing is always present to those in need but it is certainly amplified if we ask.

After my baby and I had been separated for 10 days we were told that there was possibility that he could go home the next day. I was offered an opportunity to stay the night in an overnight NICU room with him. We spent the night together. Just the two of us. We were together again. It was perfect. The next day we had to wait around several hours for the doctor on call to evaluate him and give us an answer. Again I prayed. To my absolute amazement the doctor cleared our sweet baby to be discharged. I called my husband to tell him the news that our baby was cleared to come home. Gratitude and joy floated through every fiber of my being. Walking out of the hospital with him felt so right.

We pulled up to our house where our 3 year old Colin was waiting with my sister in law to meet his baby brother for the first time. Since the NICU has very strict policies about allowing children in the NICU for the safety of the babies, our toddler had to wait to meet his new brother. We walked into the house and Colin was beaming. He immediately walked up to Asher and started doting over him. He laughed about Asher’s “funny hat” and kept repeating, “look at my baby. He’s so cute!”. He was instantly smitten and in love. And it has been that way ever since.

The Magic & The Mess // Epic Poop Storm

September 2, 2016/in: Family, The Magic & The Mess/0 /Leave a Comment

Brett’s birthday was the next day, so in true last minute fashion I set out to get him a gift the day before. Colin was in school so it was just Asher and I. I was quite looking forward to running this errand with just one child. We walked up to World Market; I grabbed a shopping cart and placed Asher inside the seat. We strolled all over the store, starting with the greeting cards and ending up at the kitchen wares. We ended up finding a few knickknacks for the house along with some cool grilling accessories for Brett’s birthday’s gifts. While we were on our last few aisles I could smell that Asher had done a number two in his diaper. I planned to just change him in the car, as we were minutes away from being done. We finished up our shopping and headed to the check out. While in line, Asher reached up for me to hold him. I lifted him up out of the seat and started to kiss the top of his little head. Then I noticed a damp feeling from his bottom and also on my arm. I looked at his bottom and could see that it was wet. I then looked over at my arm and noticed….poop! There was poop on my arm!! Ahhhhhhh! I then looked at his back and could see a dark color peeking out from behind his shirt. He had had a complete poop storm blowout! It blew out of his shorts and up his back!! OH. MY. GOODNESS!

We were next in line… I scrambled to think what to do. I looked in my bag and noticed that I didn’t have any wipes OR diapers with me. Total mom fail! We walked up to the counter and I awkwardly and jokingly tell the check out girl that we had a “blowout”. The girl was very clearly grossed out. I placed our items on the counter and prayed we could get out of there with no more embarrassment. Just then the employee looks at me then slowly and silently points to the pizza paddle I was about to purchase. I looked down at it and saw a nickel-sized piece of poop on it. Ahhhh!! How did that even happen?! I looked back up at her and asked if she had any tissues or anything. She handed me a sheet of paper that they use for wrapping glass items. I wiped the poop of the pizza paddle. Then I held the tag up for her so that she could scan the paddle without having to touch it. She thankfully finished up our order and we headed towards the door.

On the way out I noticed a table with coffee samples. There were napkins on the table so I grabbed about 6 of them and headed out the door to the parking lot. Once at the car, I started the process of trying to clean up the poop storm sans wipes or a new diaper. I took off his shirt and began to wipe down his back with the water that I had thankfully brought from home and the napkins from the store. I got him wiped down enough to get him in the car, but then I had the dilemma of what to do with the poo filled napkins. I certainly didn’t want to go back in the store to look for a trashcan. And I definitely didn’t feel right about leaving the napkins in the shopping cart. So without an obvious good second option, I wrapped the poo napkins up inside the poo filled shirt and placed it all in my drunk. Then I sprayed myself down with hand sanitizer and drove home. I took pictures of the incident to prove to my husband how bad it was. Because even in the midst of my mortification of what had happened I almost immediately could see the humor in the absurdity of this poop storm. I knew for sure that Brett would find it hilarious. Especially since this had happened to me rather than him.

That evening I logged onto Facebook and noticed a post on my feed from a fellow mama friend of mine. She had had a really hard week. One of those when it rains it pours type of weeks. She seemed very emotional and overwhelmed. I know from personal experience that those feelings can also bring about the feelings of loneliness as well. I decided to share with her my poop story and picture from earlier that day. I also shared a few caring words. It was a reminder to us both that we are all human and all experience our own brand of challenges and triumphs. The important thing to remember is that we are all connected in this crazy beautiful experience we call life. I was able to turn my rough experience into an offering to help someone else feel connected and less alone in the world. For that alone I feel grateful for our epic poop storm.

— DISCLAIMER POOP PICTURE NEXT! — ; )

The Mess: The epic poop storm and all the embarrassment and literal mess that came with it.

The Magic: The comforting reality that we are all connected. Our shared human experiences is what helps us feel connected and makes life so rich, beautiful and fulfilling.

Love & Light, Christina